This issue Eric Hobson lets us in on some family secrets.
Occasionally I am stopped in restaurants, while shopping or even when filling my car with gas and am asked the same questions by strangers. I reply truthfully: “No, I am not Santa Claus. I am his better-looking younger brother”. We have gathered here today to learn the truth about Mr. Claus. By the way Clause is not our family name. Just as John Wayne was, in real life, Marion Robert Morrison, Santa Claus, of Saint Nicolas for that matter, are just stage names.
Yes the old boy is, as are most of the men in our family, overweight and we do tend to have a fair amount of facial hair that turns white with age. However a Saint he ain’t. Come on, this is a senior citizen who collects lists of all the naughty girls in the world; Really – don’t be so naive.
Speaking of collecting lists; you should know that Claus Inc. is the owner/operator of the largest database in the world. Yes you heard me correctly the largest database in the world – Google, Facebook and The National Security Agency are wholly owned subsidiaries of Claus Inc.
Claus Inc. saw years ago that computerization was the way to go and provided the seed money for the development of the first finically successful data base software (dBase, for those of you old enough to remember). Since then the company has been in the forefront of most storage/retrieval software used today – yep that includes ‘The Cloud’.
Another little known fact is that Claus Inc. is indirectly responsible for much of global warming. Those of you who are familiar with computers know that even today one of the biggest problems with computers is heat and in the past this was a Huge problem. Why do you think the Arctic ice is melting so quickly? It’s not because of an overpopulation of polar bears, reindeer or musk ox! Between the power plants required to run such a large enterprise and the heat generated by a server farm the size of Manhattan, well you can see the problem.
And speaking or reindeer let me tell you about Rudolph and company. There has been a lot of discussion on social media about Rudolph and the rest being girls – not so. Like most deer reindeer do loose their antlers yearly. The females keep theirs through most of the winter to help with foraging and defending their calves. Adult males loose their antlers soon after the rut season. So, what about the 8 or 9 tiny reindeer of Santa’s? Juvenile males tend to keep antlers until deep into winter. My Bro. uses only juvenile males to pull his sleigh (besides they work cheaper). But, you say Donner and Blitzen have been around for years, surely they must be adult. The deer names are a copy write owned by Claus Inc. and new juvenile males hired for each season. This is sort of like the twelve or so Lassie dogs that have been in so many movies and on TV.
Another reason that only juvenile deer are used on sleigh duty is that it is only the young males that can fly. Flying ability turns out to be a double recessive gene. Each year tryouts are held for the positions. The DNA of reindeer has yet to be successfully decoded. So, the old way is still the only way to find out which can fly. The young males are taken up onto an ice cliff and thrown off – sort of like learning to swim by being tossed into the deep end of the pool. Since flight is a rare gene and only in males this can be a harsh day at the North Pole. Lets just say that there are a lot of workers in the sweat – No – make that workshop and venison is a favorite meal.
Finally, there is always a lot of discussion given to the time limits and the number of children the old man has to deliver to, how is such a thing possible. I am truly surprised that more of you haven’t stumbled onto the most obvious answer. It’s been right before your eyes for decades now. Our cousins have made a good living playing Dr. Who on BBC television. Yes we are a family of ‘Time Lords’. My Bro. even got a cameo on a recent episode.
Santa’s (tell all) younger brother