A different view on that Apple pie you might eat today – humor by Larry Quinn.
My Friends! I can only tell you this is a true Bigfoot adventure because I heard it from Bigfoot,
himself. Awhile ago, I was hiking in the Redwoods in northern California, when I tripped and fell into
Bigfoot’s cave. He put me in a trance for 3 days, during which time Bigfoot relayed to me many facts
about his culture and history. One story dealt with an encounter with Granny that I now tell you, in
BIGFOOT: You know, by nature I am Nocturnal, and I like to prowl around at night, with the moon over my
shoulder. My keen eyes don’t miss much, so I am good to go. Lately, I have developed a
Burning curiousity about the critters called, People, who seem deaf and blind in the woods. I see these
critters mostly at night, cause I like to pretend I don’t see them and run out into traffic like I was the
dumb one. Why I’ve counted 141 skid marks at just one of my road crossings. Then, I run hide in the
woods while they dial 911 to report another sighting.
Eventually, I realized I could learn more about these critters if I observed them day and night.
Boy, did I learn. The Daytime critters were 180degrees from the night critters. It was two different
worlds for a single species. In the daytime, people hurry-up and negotiate, they regulate and
vindicate, they rattle on, spit-shine and incorporate and save time. Then, in the night-time they
celebrate and communicate, release the brake and innovate, suspend the rule and act a fool, take the
cake and motivate, have some fun, but walk, don’t run—but, the single most important thing I learned
is what those critters can do with some sugar, some cinnamon, and some apples….something they call
“Apple Pie”. To study the critters more closely, I decided to hide in the tree-tops in the parks. Then, I
got more brave and observed from roof-tops, church steeples, man-holes, barber shop vents and other
Finally, I wound-up in the over-head rafters in a large barn in Mendocino County. I observed these
scruffy farmers trimming leaves off their crop. I thought it was tobacco because they put some in a pipe
and started to smoke it. Enough smoke to fill the Hindenburg blimp rose up to the ceiling. I began to feel
strange. Then I became obsessed with this humongous foot I had been watchin for several minutes. Then,
I suddenly realized it was my own Big foot I was looking at! Damn, I have got some really big feet. I have
been in denial. I couldn’t blame the critters for calling me BIGFOOT, they are right about that part.
Anyway, that’s when it happened. One of the female critters walked into the barn and called out, “Break-
Time!” Wash up and we’ll meet Granny under the Apple tree for some Apple Pie. So, while they went to
wash up, I did the skunk walk over and up into the Apple tree. They soon gathered under the
Apple tree and Granny opened a basket that held a piping, hot Apple Pie. I suffered a hunger attack
like I never had before. I was hungrier than 3 grizzly bears just awake after 3 years in hibernation. I
was hungry!! The smell of that Apple Pie wafted up into the tree-tops, overpowering my will to remain
undetected by humans. I started to panic! Was I hungry enough to show myself in broad daylight for a
taste of Granny’s Apple Pie? Then, I thought, I’m Bigfoot, the sight of me and these puny, bug-eyed
trimmers will scatter in fear…leaving me free to grab the Apple Pie. All for myself! Simple, no-one will
believe it was me and think they were having a sugar-induced hallucination.
I put on my viscous attack face, and with fangs flashing and a primal scream that scared even me, I
jumped out of the tree right in the middle of them. They shivered and shook and screamed, “BIGFOOT, run
for your lives!” And run, they did…all but one. The one they called, “Granny”. Before I knew it, like a
thunderbolt, I saw that basket corning straight at my face. Too late to duck, that basket shattered into pieces,
leaving the Apple Pie locked tightly in my powerful jaws. It was time to boogie, so I did. Treetop to treetop, I
left Granny yelling sentiments no tender ears should hear and shaking her boney fist at me. She was mad,
The next day the news said I attacked an old lady, terrified a group of college kids, and committed an
unpardonable crime of grand theft of an Apple Pie. Now, that’s a bad rap for poor, old Bigfoot to bear.
Problem is, it’s all true. But, I don’t care see, cause that pie was scrumptious and delicious, a most
certainly cognitious, very super extra flavor cinnamonicous aeromatic pie. It was pie to die for and any
self-respecting Bigfoot would risk life and limb to enjoy. Now that I have tasted that heavenly treat, no
pie, no matter how high the window…is safe…from…snarling jaws of Bigfoot.