Bigfoot Meets Granny’s Apple Pie

A different view on that Apple pie you might eat today – humor by Larry Quinn.

 

My Friends! I can only tell you this is a true Bigfoot adventure because I heard it from Bigfoot,

 

himself. Awhile ago, I was hiking in the Redwoods in northern California, when I tripped and fell into

 

Bigfoot’s cave. He put me in a trance for 3 days, during which time Bigfoot relayed to me many facts

 

about his culture and history. One story dealt with an encounter with Granny that I now tell you, in

 

BIGFOOT: You know, by nature I am Nocturnal, and I like to prowl around at night, with the moon over my

 

shoulder. My keen eyes don’t miss much, so I am good to go. Lately, I have developed a

 

Burning curiousity about the critters called, People, who seem deaf and blind in the woods. I see these

 

critters mostly at night, cause I like to pretend I don’t see them and run out into traffic like I was the

 

dumb one. Why I’ve counted 141 skid marks at just one of my road crossings. Then, I run hide in the

 

woods while they dial 911 to report another sighting.

 

Eventually, I realized I could learn more about these critters if I observed them day and night.

 

Boy, did I learn. The Daytime critters were 180degrees from the night critters. It was two different

 

worlds for a single species. In the daytime, people hurry-up and negotiate, they regulate and

 

vindicate, they rattle on, spit-shine and incorporate and save time. Then, in the night-time they

 

celebrate and communicate, release the brake and innovate, suspend the rule and act a fool, take the

 

cake and motivate, have some fun, but walk, don’t run—but, the single most important thing I learned

 

is what those critters can do with some sugar, some cinnamon, and some apples….something they call

 

“Apple Pie”. To study the critters more closely, I decided to hide in the tree-tops in the parks. Then, I

 

got more brave and observed from roof-tops, church steeples, man-holes, barber shop vents and other

 

Finally, I wound-up in the over-head rafters in a large barn in Mendocino County. I observed these

 

scruffy farmers trimming leaves off their crop. I thought it was tobacco because they put some in a pipe

 

and started to smoke it. Enough smoke to fill the Hindenburg blimp rose up to the ceiling. I began to feel

 

strange. Then I became obsessed with this humongous foot I had been watchin for several minutes. Then,

 

I suddenly realized it was my own Big foot I was looking at! Damn, I have got some really big feet. I have

 

been in denial. I couldn’t blame the critters for calling me BIGFOOT, they are right about that part.

 

Anyway, that’s when it happened. One of the female critters walked into the barn and called out, “Break-

 

Time!” Wash up and we’ll meet Granny under the Apple tree for some Apple Pie. So, while they went to

 

wash up, I did the skunk walk over and up into the Apple tree. They soon gathered under the

 

Apple tree and Granny opened a basket that held a piping, hot Apple Pie. I suffered a hunger attack

 

like I never had before. I was hungrier than 3 grizzly bears just awake after 3 years in hibernation. I

 

was hungry!! The smell of that Apple Pie wafted up into the tree-tops, overpowering my will to remain

 

undetected by humans. I started to panic! Was I hungry enough to show myself in broad daylight for a

 

taste of Granny’s Apple Pie? Then, I thought, I’m Bigfoot, the sight of me and these puny, bug-eyed

 

trimmers will scatter in fear…leaving me free to grab the Apple Pie. All for myself! Simple, no-one will

 

believe it was me and think they were having a sugar-induced hallucination.

 

I put on my viscous attack face, and with fangs flashing and a primal scream that scared even me, I

 

jumped out of the tree right in the middle of them. They shivered and shook and screamed, “BIGFOOT, run

 

for your lives!” And run, they did…all but one. The one they called, “Granny”. Before I knew it, like a

 

thunderbolt, I saw that basket corning straight at my face. Too late to duck, that basket shattered into pieces,

 

leaving the Apple Pie locked tightly in my powerful jaws. It was time to boogie, so I did. Treetop to treetop, I

 

left Granny yelling sentiments no tender ears should hear and shaking her boney fist at me. She was mad,

 

The next day the news said I attacked an old lady, terrified a group of college kids, and committed an

 

unpardonable crime of grand theft of an Apple Pie. Now, that’s a bad rap for poor, old Bigfoot to bear.

 

Problem is, it’s all true. But, I don’t care see, cause that pie was scrumptious and delicious, a most

 

certainly cognitious, very super extra flavor cinnamonicous aeromatic pie. It was pie to die for and any

 

self-respecting Bigfoot would risk life and limb to enjoy. Now that I have tasted that heavenly treat, no

 

pie, no matter how high the window…is safe…from…snarling jaws of Bigfoot.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s